Vaccination

While modern medicine holds the answers to a longer, healthier and happier life; there are some aspects that still remain mostly disturbing. Not disturbing like finding out your pharmacist has been watering down your cancer medication, no disturbing like reading the accounts of traveling ice pick lobotomist. The method for insertion and removal of items from the blood stream is still something that has changed little, in concept, from the time of inception.

When taking the boy in for his necessary vaccines the nurses hover above and prepare their instruments while the father, in this case me, is instructed to hold his hands up. From then on what happens cannot be described as a pretty picture, for the amount of blood and tears that fill the room would disquieted to even the most hardened soldier.

The syringes, yes plural, pierce his flesh and after squeezing the liquid through are quickly removed and gauze applied to the area. Of course once the needles penetrated, the screaming begins, and with no language to communicate, no consolation is possible. Then the process is repeated as necessary to prepare the internal defenses against the 'beauty' of nature, and all the tiny creatures she has created to invade the body.

Even after the crying has subsided there is still that awful face staring back at me. The distended lower lip inducing subduction on the upper, the eyes still filled with tears looking back at me. Oh the thoughts that must invade the mind, the trust that must be lost as he stares back at me, the one who held him down and allowed this to happen. The first few hours were toughest, the face of horror remained, eventually it subsided but can it be completely forgotten?

Sleepless Nights.

The way the schedule is arranged at our house is thus: I stay awake until two or three to make sure he doesn't wake up and want a snack. I then go to bed and when the wife wakes at five for work she wakes him no later than six (assuming he isn't already awake.) She puts him back down at seven when she heads to work and he normally lets me sleep until ten or so in the morning.

While this is a great arrangement in theory the problem comes from the implementation and the side effects. What ends up happening is a type of paranoia that comes from worrying that he is awake and this leads to checking the Baby Monitor every five minutes when you are the one who has to be there if he wakes. So from 2-7 I get great sleep, after that I find myself waking every few minutes (probably not literally) to check the monitor and make sure I didn't hear him cry, because I think I did, no it couldn't have been the red bars haven't filled. There is of course the same problem for the wife only her ideal time is from 9-3, then she is the one who has to be ready if he wakes.

The real problem is the responsibility, knowing that you have to be the one to get up if he starts crying and knowing that he is dependant on you makes you crazy. So while technically we each get around eight hours of sleep, the reality is closer to five

Smiling

DST

So it would seem that many decades ago (4) the US Congress foresaw that it by passing a certain law would adversely effect my sleep patterns. They knew that mandates passed at a federal level would standardize a practice that has recently come to cause mild irritation in this household. Yes the three words that bring about the most resentment in this house are 'Daylight Savings Time.'

After three months The Boy was finally on a great schedule. Pater (Dad) would put The Boy down around 11:00 pm as Mater (Mom) had gone to bed around 9 or 10. The Boy would sleep until 5 when Mater had to get up anyway so she would feed him and he would sleep until Pater woke around 7.

I look back on this time period fondly, it will henceforth be referred to as the golden time. Well our life sans the child was pretty nice, but we will consider this the Aurum Aetas Post Natalem (Golden Age After Birth.)

You can try, as I have, to explain to an infant that the time has changed and so accordingly so should he. Efforts like this are to no avail. He has continued his protest of the policy in defiance of all authority figures and has repeatedly quoted Patrick Henry, Thomas Paine, and even Voltaire. The latter threw me for a loop and I began to suspect that he was merely looking to be a martyr for the cause.

I tried to reason with him that his protest was far to small and he would better suited to protest when the time changes not after the time reverts. He became irate and demanded I call every person in government that is elected to explain the importance of his sleep schedule, briefly I relented. After a lengthy discussion with the secretary of state about how he has no way to change this and to quit calling him on Saturdays at 4 in the morning I gave up this tactic. The Boy has been inconsolable since and has begun demanding a recount of all elections.

So we sit at a stale mate, he refuses to get back on a schedule and we are left unable to sleep. Analysis would reveal that is no so much a stalemate as he is clearly winning.

Sleep.

"A Glimpse, Jack"

The Boy has taken an extended hiatus from living under my tyranny and has sought refuge at his paternal grandparents. Preparing for his final attempt at eliminating the oligarchy that exists at his primary domicile, his patria if you will, this attempt will of course be quashed as all past attempts have been. Under this banner of 'food whenever' and 'spitting up, no problem' he has enlisted Lucy, faithful compatriot. With the matriarch out of the picture (visiting the mile high city,) these rogues (or in their vernacular 'freedom fighters') are convinced their coup will be successful. Even though the cat possess opposable thumbs, she would not be able to stir his formula, and The Boy lacks the strength to pour cat food, hopefully discontent can be spread throughout their camp.
However the time with the empty house will certainly be utilized, with the wife out of town and The Boy off at Gramma's, some rest should be enjoyed. Yes with no crying for food from the former and no crying for attention from the later, time will seem to fly. But most importantly is the freedom from patiently waiting for the boy to actually fall asleep, battling with his eyelids as slumber attempts to take the pass, guarded by consciousness which fights to keep its ground. The Consternation felt by those who wait and see what will happen is made particularly dramatic by the tendency to cry if he awakens too soon, if the eyelids can only hold their ground for a few seconds or several minutes, the tears are released. His appreciable anger at missing out on the world seems to fill not only him, but the room if his he expresses the anger audibly.
Yes when the Boy attempts to sleep those around him wait, with baited breath, they bite their tongue with anticipation. Unless you are one of the boys grandparents, then you try to wake him, thus the parental conundrum is complete, parents enjoy the peace of a sleeping child and - grandparents enjoy that of an attentive grandchild.

[See Above Video]

Innovation

It is seems shocking to me that there has never been an attempt to capitalize on a simple concept, one that could reap millions for a device everyone has. It would be simple to include and cheap to produce, those in the industry could find the right one and most likely from somewhere in their family, very little R&D would be needed. Yes this simple fix, change, modification if you will would revolutionize the industry.

Instead of the solid or alternating beeps currently used in alarm clocks why not replace that pleasant sound with the vocalization of an unhappy infant. As I have come to enjoy the sound that wakes me everyday after I have had the perfunctory two hours of sleep, what a pleasant sound it is. One of life's greatest pleasures is the auditory emanation signaling it is time to return my life of servitude. Luckily for me I have trained my once blissfully ignorant human ears to be more consistent with those of the Felis or Panthera Genus.

Making sure to wake when he begins the 'cooing' stage seems to be the best answer for sanity and mental health in general. Beginning his feeding/changing ritual at this stage leads to decibel levels that are much more consistent with a life that includes audible enjoyment in the future. Utilizing (or even enjoying) the precious few minutes of sleep that would occur between the 'cooing' and crying stages is without question not worth the shredded remains that you once called your ears.

Yes babies are so precious, that is all I can think about as the boy is screaming so loud and so long he begins to go hoarse. Yes, babies are so precious.

Coordinate This!

Coordination and intelligence are two words that should strike fear into the heart of every new parent. It seems like children should be more like pets until they are ready to move out, or at the very least until they can speak. As 'the boy' gets smarter he is able to discern between the different pacifiers (I think we have three total.) Two he likes and two he doesn't, I guess we have four pacifiers. I adapted to this fine and simply hurled the ones he shows distain for into a large pit to be devoured by a massive creature over the next thousand years. The other two I keep close for use after feedings, I use them to see if he is really still hungry or just making the sucking motion.

I was okay when he got smart enough to discern between the different pacifiers, as stated earlier I merely had the offending devices drawn and quartered. I even got used to the fact that he eventually became able to detect that I was giving him a pacifier and not, in fact, a bottle. Coordination has decided to rear it's ugly head in the form of control over his hand and arm movements. Coordination apparently decided that it was probably no good for him to punch himself in the face and scratch his cheeks. Coordination didn't stop there, no coordination went too far, and coordination has to stopped!

Using intelligence and coordination the boy has been pulling out his pacifier almost immediately after insertion. That sounds dirty and I have no idea why. Anyway he has figured out that he can grab the little handle on the pacifier and pull in order to evacuate the device from his mouth. Mostly he does this because he knows how pissed off it makes me and he takes delight in my anger.

Fortunately I am smarter... sort of. I have now returned to a long forgotten methodology, practiced by the great tribes and peoples of yore. I have begun swaddling him paying special care to wrap his arms under the blanket, in doing so rendering him helpless. "Whatta' ya' think of that punk!" I can be heard shouting in my living room. My victory dances are the best.

Parenting - 1 : Nature - 0

Expectations

It is of the most basic logic that parents have expectations for their children. Since I am already a spectacular person it leaves little room for my child to move past me in life. This should be his goal, so in an effort to relate to his future subjects what he was like before becoming your greatest despot I will present stories and thoughts about his youth here.

As of right now he is only five weeks old but already he has an iron grip on controlling my habits. He finds it important to not allow me more than five hours of contiguous sleep, instead he has determined that my schedule be four hours of sleep followed by attempts to sleep later, resulting in several one hour increments separated by breaks to feed, change, or worship his image.

Life for those who serve will have its rewards (or so I am told,) however they will be presented posthumously, so I have that going for me.